#LeapOfFaith

Wow!! I finally built up enough courage to take a Leap Of Faith. After 5 ½ years I finally quit my job that was making me miserable. I never knew that I had this type of courage and faith. I gave my ex-employer a month notice about my resignation. Being a person that has let fear and anxiety take control of my life I was so surprised that I was extremely calm and at peace with this decision. I decided to leave my job without a safety net. During the last month of working I was actually offered, accepted, and started to work a second job. But that only lasted for about 2 weeks. After working the second job I realized I only accepted it as a safety net. I was settling for a job that offered me almost half the amount of money as my first job and less hours. Only thing that made me feel weird about leaving my job was that the directors of my department never said ONE WORD to me about leaving. There was ZERO discussions good or bad with me. I would think that after 5 ½ years I would at least get a “Thank You For Your Service” card. But I got NOTHING. It did hurt my feelings a little but it also confirmed that I was making the right decision. Quitting my job has been the best decision that I have made in my life so far.

            I’m sure a lot of people won’t understand why would I quit a job and not having a second job lined up. My job was emotionally draining. There wasn’t any opportunities for growth. No guidance. No leadership. No organization. I mean the majority of the time the department heads wouldn’t even acknowledge that I was present. Not even a simple “hello”. But more importantly I felt that I was not evolving as person. I felt like I was dissolving. I don’t think I could become the person that I want to be if I stayed there. It took months of thinking and praying on this decision. I felt like if I didn’t leave now I would look up and would have been working there 10 years and still feel miserable.

            April 30 was my last day of employment. I have been enjoying this transition phase. I haven’t found a job yet and I’m not worried at all. Since I have filled my head with negative self-talk for so long, I find that I am trying to scare myself about this decision. Filling my head up with worry, doubt, and fear. But it’s not working. I am still at extreme peace with this decision. I am working on becoming the best version of myself. Marisia 2.0 and creating opportunities for myself.

My intentions produce my experiences

I am currently listening to Oprah's "What I know for sure". In chapter 6 she talks about fears and feeling stuck. One of the first things she said that caught my attention is "you are a single choice away from a new beginning."  She talks about how fear can have so much control over your life and it's up to you no matter how much anxiety you feel to make a different choice. This is the position I am currently in I am letting anxiety take over.  She then goes in to how have our intentions produced the experiences when are having now. This is my A-Ha moment. I never thought about this. 95% of the time I'm going into situations thinking the worst or nothing new is going to happen and this is the exact outcome that I get. I must change my negative thoughts

Rebranding Myself

I can't believe its 2015!! Truthfully I thought we would all be dead by now (thanks to my great-aunt who constantly told me this as a kid). I haven't made a new year resolution in the last couple of years because I would always get extremely depressed when the year ended and I had not accomplished them. 

In the last 6 months or so I have been experiencing  a heavy load of anxiety sprinkled with some depression. I just feel STUCK & LOST!! I really want to know my purpose in life, find my passion, and experience joy. I feel like I am taking up space and going nowhere fast. I definitely need to change my outlook when it comes to my job. I have a very strong work ethic but I think it's becoming really obvious that I am not satisfied being employed there. 

I have really been getting into self-help books and motivational speaking. Les Brown has became one of my favorite motivators. I just want to be patient & positive during this process of self discovery. But everyday seems harder. A lot of the books I've read andspeeches I've listened to say that when your journey gets harder you are closer to your goal. I just want a clear sign that points my in the right direction of my dreams. 

Expectations

I don't think I expect much from people. Past experiences have shown me that I should lower my expectations of people. But sometimes I get my hopes extremely high only to have my feelings crushed. I just don't get it. A person wants to re-enter my life to play a major role and when I need them the most they show no signs that they care. I will say that I haven't asked for the support but I would EXPECT for them to show they care. 
On social media I have shared that my mom has been battling some serious health issues but instead of reaching out to me to show they care they have only liked my status and shared a picture I have posted. I have been holding this against them for months. I don't know if they know or even care. This has happened months ago which is enough time for them to send me text messages, phone calls, telegrams or a carrier pigeon. But what have I got NOTHING. 
This person has a pattern of crushing any ideas of my thinking that maybe THIS TIME will be different. I continue to give chances and nothing different has happened. The sad part is I want to continue to give more chances. I don't know maybe they really just don't care at all. 
- Missy

So Easy, But So Frustrating

75% of the time I just want to QUIT when it comes to my job. I don't know if it is a gift or curse that my job is not challenging for me. I know what to expect with daily tasks. Even when we are extremely busy I find myself extremely bored. I don't feel like I can grow with this company, I haven't been given the opportunity to show that I have a brain, and am up for new challenges. On a positive note I did acquire a new skill but I am ready to move on. I try to stay positive but staying positive when I'm at work has became a difficult task. There was a time where I found myself motivating our team because I knew it was needed and our managers were not fulfilling the task. I even posted motivating team affirmations and gave compliments to my fellow teammates. I don't need a pat on the back everyday but it's nice to hear "you did a great job today" when you are working in a high  capacity department that brings in more money than other departments combined. I found myself being the positive motivator even when it was met with a negative attitudes from other team members. I just feel like I have outgrown this position. It's hard for me to apply for other jobs when the pay rate that is being offered is significantly lower than what I'm making now. I have put out in the universe what I want but everyday it seems like it is becoming harder and harder to stay hopeful that my prayers will be answered. I feel like I am complaining and being negative about this. I am grateful to be employed and know that there are people struggling who would love to have my job. I JUST WANT MORE!! Is that so bad. I know I can do more and have no problem working hard. I would love to have a sign that can tell/show me to hold on help is on the way!! So until that happens I have adopted a motto that I say at least 50 times when I'm at work "won't be long now!"

Conquering Fears!!

My biggest fear is REJECTION!! I have avoided situations and tasks because of fear of rejection. I have done it so much that avoiding has become so comfortable and the thought of facing the fear has almost been paralyzing. Giving into fear has caused me not to have as much progression in life as I would like. But today was different!! Today I took a huge step in conquering one of my biggest fears and it was not as bad as I thought it would be, in fact it was kinda easy.

Minutes before I was gonna tackle this fear my feeling of anxiety went thru the roof. I have never experienced this strong feeling of anxiety before. I think I went thru every emotion in about 30 minutes. LOL. I was extremely nervous to the point of tears and shaky hands and countless trips to the bathroom. I took a few deep breaths and tried to changed the nervous energy to exciting energy.

During the actual fear conquering the anxiety started melting away. I started having an out-of-body experience when I realized how comfortable and easy conquering this fear can be. But then it happened. The negative self-talk that I have been so accustomed to doing started to slip back in my mind. I quickly blocked those thoughts out with some deep breaths and praise for myself that I have took a huge step. When this step was over I was so proud of myself !! I cried, Happy tears. What I realized is that this was not as close to being half bad that I made it to be. I think I can get use to this conquering fears business!!
The new way I am looking at Fear, False Evidence Appearing Real
There's Nothing To It, I Can Do It
-Missy

Why I'm Blogging

I decided to blog as a way of documenting my transformation. I am 31 and I am on search to find out who I am. I want to be comfortable, secure, confident, and happy in my skin. I have made some changes but feel like I still have a lot of  growing to do. I think if I had went away to college I would have already gone thru this phase. I feel like I am a late bloomer and there is no one else going thru this phase this late in the game. One thing that I am getting more comfortable with is my femininity. I still consider myself  a tomboy but I have been enjoying wearing clothes from the women section. There was a time that I only shopped in the men's section, except for underwear. LOL. I still have those moments when I feel like people might be thinking "what does that big girl think she doing" or "she too big for her jeans to be that tight". Slowly but surely I am becoming more secure with who I am.